I feel so invisible most of the time. I lack the communication skills i need to form the types of bonds that validate the importance of my existence.
I know It’s so annoying to listen to people moan about the things they are in the position to change but don’t. “Snap out of it ” or ” just be normal”. The one i hear the most, “suck it up”. It’s pretty complicated to people who don’t understand. I can’t even begin to express the overwhelming guilt that builds up over years of ignorance from the people you count on the most for support, although not for a lack of genuine love just understanding. It’s almost too heavy a weight to bear. Pretending has gotten me through a lot of moments of severe anxiety, never letting anyone know how crazy you really are. Humiliation and fear will stop you dead in your tracks. Completely frozen. No one could ever like or love the real me. I don’t even like or love the real me! Anxiety is a silent killer, a killer of hopes and dreams, of any viable future. Sure people live with this illness everyday and may even be able to function outside the home but I’m also sure it’s not to a full satisfaction. There are many things i can do very well, always with limitation. Limitation not of my abilities at a specific task but of my fear of situations that are new and people i have never met.
Hearing that “Your wasting your talent” is depressing. I’m not only wasting talent, my life is passing me by. The phrase, If only I was normal , replays in my head.