Ewwww, im so in yuck with myself right now! I always regret what i write after its been written. I sound so stupid when i talk about myself!!! God could i please be someone else. Any one but me! I should just have a depression blog. I would never run out of things to say. Since i am eternally blessed with misery. I have never ever been truly happy ever. I have found some way to downplay a happy moment. When things are good i am not. Like who really lives that way? Everything is a dream, a nightmare most days. Nothing i do or say is real. I sound like a nut! Maybe i really am crazy! Whatever, like it matters anyway. I will continue to live this way cause i suck at life. Seems like such a waste. Maybe tomorrow will be different.. Not likely tho.
I feel so invisible most of the time. I lack the communication skills i need to form the types of bonds that validate the importance of my existence.
I know It’s so annoying to listen to people moan about the things they are in the position to change but don’t. “Snap out of it ” or ” just be normal”. The one i hear the most, “suck it up”. It’s pretty complicated to people who don’t understand. I can’t even begin to express the overwhelming guilt that builds up over years of ignorance from the people you count on the most for support, although not for a lack of genuine love just understanding. It’s almost too heavy a weight to bear. Pretending has gotten me through a lot of moments of severe anxiety, never letting anyone know how crazy you really are. Humiliation and fear will stop you dead in your tracks. Completely frozen. No one could ever like or love the real me. I don’t even like or love the real me! Anxiety is a silent killer, a killer of hopes and dreams, of any viable future. Sure people live with this illness everyday and may even be able to function outside the home but I’m also sure it’s not to a full satisfaction. There are many things i can do very well, always with limitation. Limitation not of my abilities at a specific task but of my fear of situations that are new and people i have never met.
Hearing that “Your wasting your talent” is depressing. I’m not only wasting talent, my life is passing me by. The phrase, If only I was normal , replays in my head.
I dont want to wake up today. Sleep seems to be the only peace i have. Depression and anxiety run rampid in my family so ofcourse im predisposed .. Every day is always a struggle just to do something that normal people do. Call to make an appointment. Look for a job. Keep the other half happy. To stay in touch with family or friends. Getting through another day of not so happy thoughts. For those of you who know about these issues, know what these thoughts contain. To get back to basics I think ones childhood has a everything to do with adulthood. A mother, a father and siblings. How we interact, what we are witness to and what is said makes all the difference. Many people have similar environments and grow to be very different in manners, attitude and overall perceptions. Some on the positive and others on the negative. some float on the in between, like me. Completely lost, lacking most of lifes critical skills. To be a positive, productive person without fear of everything is an alien concept in my mind. The humiliation is overwhelming so you pretend to be someone you wish you were but only within the giudelines your anxiety permits. This web of crazy has become to much to bare. Thirty years is an eternity of missed oppurtunities and regret when you live in fear of life.